Pressure is a horrible feeling if you haven’t properly prepared for something – whether it’s for an exam, an agreed deadline or set target – but what about peer pressure?

I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear that peer pressure is most commonly associated with youth, in part because most youth spend large amounts of time in schools and other fixed groups that they do not necessarily choose.

At some point, everyone has the desire to fit into a group. If you’re interested in sports, you might hang out with the “jocks”. If you’re interested in music, you spend time with others who enjoy music. This naturally makes you feel a sense of belonging and provides you with that needed security blanket.

But what if people in “your group” start doing things that are wrong, hurtful, or even illegal? And what if these same people are your friends?

Often-times, “just saying no” isn’t enough, and youth must look inward at self-confidence and personal convictions to make good choices.

1.       Build a Strong Sense of Self Confidence and Self Esteem.

The first step to learning how to deal with peer pressure is to build a strong sense of self-esteem. When you act confident and believe in yourself, you don’t need to impress other people or do what others say to feel good or accepted.

Building confidence at a young age will help you be a self-confident person later on in your future and help you stay out of bad situations in the long run.

2.       Know Your Limits and Have Respect for Yourself.

It’s important to always have respect for yourself and know your own limits when dealing with peer pressure. In order to know when to say no, you have to realise that your decisions, both good and bad, can cause benefit or harm to yourself and to others.

When you have respect for yourself, you don’t feel guilty or pressured into following what other people tell you to do because you know what your own morals, limits, and sense of right and wrong are.

3.       Remember the Consequences of Your Actions.

Before you give into peer pressure, realise that when trying to handle pressure from friends at school, that your choices have consequences. Each action you take or do not take will have important consequences – your bad or negative decisions may hurt yourself or those you love around you.

Getting yourself into bad situations to fit in, feel accepted, or impress others may have very negative consequences, such as bad relationships with parents at home, teachers at school, or even trouble with the law.

4.       Stay Around and Socialise with a Good Group of Friends.

One of the best ways to deal with, handle, and just avoid peer pressure is to stay away from it. You can do this by choosing who you decide to hang out with – know who your true friends are. Don’t hang out with the “cool” group if they pressure you to make bad decisions – your true friends are good groups who will help you make the right choices.

This is where peer pressure can also have positive effects when people are pressured by their peers toward positive behaviour, such as volunteering for charity or excelling in academics or athletics.

Got any other tips? Let us know in the comments section below, or better yet, send us the links on Facebook or Twitter!

You may not know her name, but Michelle Koay is one of those everyday heroes who found their calling in helping people who are struggling with school work, family, or life in general.

Being a great listener has helped her work as counsellor and she’s been able to help many young people surpass their emotional obstacles.

She was very happy to meet us to discuss her experiences, which she also shares on her blog, on her Twitter, and on her Facebook.

1. How did you become a counsellor?

Actually, I started out my career as an engineer. After spending 6 years as an engineer, I felt that I preferred working with people than with machines. I pursued a post-graduate degree in Master of Social Science (Counselling) which allowed me to switch fields to counselling. During my first job as a counsellor in the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) Counselling Centre, my clients were mainly young men serving their National Service and both male and female SAF regulars. Last July, I made a dramatic switch from working in a military setting to working with adolescent girls in a school setting when I joined Raffles Girls School.

2. What are some of your day-to-day activities?

Since RGS is a school, my day-to-day activities vary according to the school schedule. What is nice about working here is that we are like a family and I interact with the students and teachers during assembly, in the canteen, along the corridor and just about anywhere around the school.

During the normal school term, girls may walk-in to talk to me about their issues or I may see them based on their scheduled appointments. Sometimes, groups of girls will have conversations with me about ideas and opinions concerning some research assignments or community projects in which they are involved. Of course, teachers also drop by from time-to-time to discuss their students’ issues.

3. What does your job consist of exactly?

My job mainly consists of listening and talking to the girls and working through their issues. The girls who see me may be troubled or overwhelmed with various types of stresses: academic, relationships with friends and family, personal struggles and so on.

4. How would you define your role as counsellor?

I call myself a fellow traveller because I journey alongside the people I work with. I don’t see myself as an expert, as someone who knows everything about life. In a way, I’m sort of a facilitator, I don’t lead or follow, but I help them in their journey so that during the process, they can build their own strengths and eventually be on their own.

5. What part of the job do you find most rewarding?

The most rewarding part of my job is to be able to connect with people at a very deep level. My job is very interesting and enriching and there is never a dull moment because no one person is the same – each story is unique and different. In fact, my job does not feel like work and I look forward to learning something new about others and myself every day.

6. Do you have any memorable anecdotes to share?

One of the students was referred for counselling because of a disciplinary case in school. She was extremely distressed because her friends and teachers lost trust in her. It was difficult for her to reach out to her parents for support because she felt ignored and unloved by her parents. She felt that her parents paid more attention to her younger brother who was not doing well in school and was often showered with gifts and rewards if he made any progress or had any academic achievements. She studied very hard and did very well in school but she did not get the recognition and affirmation she hoped for from her parents. For a long period of time, she felt very isolated from her peers as well as her family and that made her very unhappy.

Over time, she slowly re-built the trust and friendship with her peers. In fact, she realised that her friends had already forgiven her and what she needed to do was to forgive herself and stop berating herself for what she did. At the end of last year, she decided to try to improve the relationship with her parents so she took the courage to initiate a conversation with them. She shared with her parents how she had been feeling and the difficulties she was experiencing. What was remarkable was that her parents did not brush her off and negate her experiences. Instead, they listened intently and were open to what she had to say. Her parents made efforts to spend more time with her and engage in various bonding activities together. I remember how happy she was during Chinese New Year, when she gave me some of the pineapple tarts which she and her mother had baked together.

7. How can youngsters channel their sadness, angst, anger, frustrations?

Youngsters can do so through creative expressions of art, music, and the body. The following are some examples: sketching, drawing, painting, sculpting, sewing, knitting, crochet, origami, scrapbooking, digital art, interior design, architectural design, singing, playing musical instruments, composing music, poetry, story-telling, writing, drama, floral arrangement, baking, cooking, dancing, yoga, Pilates, individual sports (eg. swimming, running), group sports (eg. badminton, soccer, tennis).

8. How do you define resilience?

The interesting thing about resilience is that it is very closely linked to failure. I feel that one has to experience failure or setbacks in order to develop resilience. Resilience is how one deals with failures, being able to face oneself and others, and learning and growing positively from that experience.

9. How can youth attain such resilience?

Creating awareness among parents would be a good start. Asian parents tend to set very high expectations of their children and are demanding and critical towards them. The children grow up and become fearful of failure and not meeting their parents’ expectations. Parents will have to create a more nurturing environment, which helps children develop and grow rather than a harsh environment, which does not allow room for mistakes. Youth will need to learn self-acceptance, self-care, and how to recognise their own strengths. It is also helpful for people around them to encourage and affirm them for their self-worth.

10. How could someone interested in what you do get a start in counselling?

Well, if they have some interest in helping people, but don’t know if that’s what they want to do, they can get a sense of it by volunteering. They can work with children, teenagers, the elderly and so on. One good place to source for volunteering opportunities is the National Volunteer and Philanthropy Centre website.

A related point on resilience is that these sorts of activities can actually help them find out just how resilient they are. Because not everyone is cut out for this sort of job. They have to be able to deal with strong and difficult emotions and not become overwhelmed by them.

Is there anything else you’d like to ask Michelle? Send your queries to us in the comments below, or send us a message on Facebook or Twitter!

Remember last January 1st, the day you sat down to set your resolutions for the New Year?

If you’re like most people, these good intentions are usually out the window by Valentine’s Day!

That’s why we say, not this year! Here are six easy ways to keep your New Year’s resolutions.

1. Honesty is the best policy

The key is to always remain true to yourself, as these resolutions are really about you.

Only you can set the goals and changes you want to see in yourself over the New Year.

You know yourself best, so it is more likely that you know what are the goals that are attainable, and those that are fantasies.

For instance, if your goal is to lose weight, be realistic and set yourself a stretch target, instead of a sweeping declaration to diet till you lose 20 kg.

The goal will be more attainable if it’s grounded in a healthy, sustainable, and specific approach.

Last year, Candice* wanted to lose some weight so that she could be healthier. However, she made no specific plans to improve her eating habits nor did she have a definite exercise schedule, which resulted in her missing the goals.

This year, she aims to lose at least four kg through “eating in moderation and exercising for an hour at least three times a week.”

With such clearly defined goals, Candice feels more confident in realising her resolution.

2. Here’s your reward

Create mini milestones and reward yourself for completing them!

You’d be surprised to know just how simple and helpful it is to break goals down into small but specific tasks!

Rewards also go a long way in keeping you motivated on your hardest days.

For instance, if your goal is to drink less or avoid drinking altogether, treat yourself to something you want – a new app on your smartphone, or a DVD for the weekend – each time you are able to resist, say, three drinking sessions.

If you plan to exercise more in the coming year, treat yourself to a guilt-free hawker dish when you exceed the 150 minutes of physical activity recommended per week.

Of course, try to stick with healthier options if you do eat out! We want you to succeed.

3. Social prowess

Social support is a crucial element in ensuring you achieve your goals.

Your family and close friends – people who are around you every day – are those who will not only help keep you on track to achieve your resolutions, but also be there for you if your resolve grows weaker.

They can double-up as your gym buddies or soccer mates who will spend time and energy to help you achieve your goals.

If you are aspiring for better grades in school, these people are also those who will encourage you to study together at a café, instead of hanging out at the closest game arcade.

Should you aim to quit smoking, they are the folks who will compel you to give that light-up a miss.

Often, having common goals is helpful, so do consider making new friends who share the same goals as you.

If you are aiming to quit smoking, check out the I Quit Club, a community who understands how difficult it can be to quit smoking, and who empowers individuals with coping strategies, tips, and support to quit smoking.

4. Take it slow

It takes time to break bad habits, so you are unlikely to stop biting your pen, smoking, drinking, or any other habit, just by making that resolution.

Initially, Peter* had resolved to quit smoking as part of his New Year resolution for 2011. However at a Chinese New Year gathering, he was unable to resist and took a puff.

Disappointed by his own actions, he was about to throw in the towel when his I Quit mentor, also an ex-smoker, suggested he cut down to one stick a day instead. Soon, Peter was only smoking a stick on weekends.

In less than six months, he was completely smoke-free!

5. Track progress

The best way to stay on track is to frequently monitor the progress you have made.

This can be done through tools, support groups, programmes, and even on your mobile!

A simple way would be to record your resolutions in a diary or notebook that you can carry it around easily. You can also write your resolutions in the Note app on Facebook.

The notes are not only convenient to pen, you can also let your friends see them, so that they can motivate you along the way!

If your resolution is to lose weight, use apps that help monitor your calorie balance; that is, what you eat and how many calories you have burnt.

One such free app that has taken into consideration Singaporean lifestyles and cuisine is the interactive Diet and Activity Tracker (iDAT), available on both the android and iPhone platforms.

6. Breathe

Research has shown that the pleasure of sweet victory is often a better incentive than the bitter after-taste of defeat.

People make mistakes, so instead of reprimanding yourself over a small stumble, keep the long-term goal in mind. Then give yourself a pat on the back, and focus on the benefits of fulfilling your resolution.

If you miss a workout session this week, make up for it in your next session, or simply use the steps instead of the escalator or the lift.

Whether your resolution in 2012 is to get fit, quit smoking, drink less, or save more money, we wish you all the best in achieving the goals you set for yourself.

We love to know more about your resolutions, so do share your story with us.

Stay positive. Stay focused. And Breathe – you will get there!

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals.

You can leave a comment below or drop us a message on Facebook or Twitter!

It’s the exam period once again, and thousands of students will hit the books, aiming to do well for their various subjects.

All through the study process and all the way up till they get their results, students will do their best to manage their stress. Some will feel slight nervousness and will be edgy for a couple of days. Others will be overtaken by their fear of failure, thus increasing their panic.

Whatever the scenario, stress can lead some people to lose sleep, over-/under-eat and neglect exercise, a combination of factors that can increase the risk of being a nervous wreck!

In some extreme cases, stress can be linked to more dangerous side-effects such as mental illnesses, high blood pressure, or substance abuse.

Fortunately, the energy and the adrenaline rush brought on by stress can be controlled and even used to your advantage!

Here are six ways to do it:

1. Use the adrenaline rush to help your performance

When faced with a stressful situation, the brain releases certain chemicals that prepare the body for the age-old “fight or flight” response. Our ancient ancestors used these reactions to help them successfully flee from or fight off predators.

Of course nowadays predators aren’t as much of a problem, so the fight or flight responses can be used to learn new things, face challenges, make decisions, or get ahead in everyday life.

Acknowledge the physical responses you feel under challenging circumstances! Tell yourself that it’s normal, and you’ll be fine.

You can then use the adrenaline rush to help you perform better, with more energy and emotional vitality!

2. Don’t be afraid of fear. Tame it!

Fear is a natural reaction to the unknown! Whether it’s a phobia, an awkward situation, or an unpredictable event, fear comes about when we start thinking too much about what could happen.

But fear is just that: thoughts that get out of hand! Once you think about why you’re feeling anxious, you can pinpoint the source of your fear, and realise that it may be unfounded.

Thinking positively really goes a long way, and it’ll help if you tell yourself that everything will turn out fine or even better than expected!

3. Redefine “failure” and “success”

Panicking over the possible outcome of a situation can transform a slight anguish into a full-blown panic attack! Being afraid of disappointing yourself or others translates into a fear of failing or succeeding, which in turn makes it seem like it’s very hard to control your fear of failure!

Try to maintain a positive outlook by picturing yourself doing a great job, by imagining how proud you’ll feel once you’ve accomplished what you set out to do. Setting positive goals helps you feel confident and energised!

Another confidence booster is to practise by yourself or in front of people you trust, to make sure you are prepared. Remember, doing well does not require perfection, and a less-than-perfect performance is not failure.

4. Turn your worries into problem-solving skills

You could be worrying about something because you’re not sure how to solve a specific problem! In fact, sometimes the solution to a problem can seem so unreachable that you feel overwhelmed and start to panic.

Remember that solutions can sometimes come from the most unexpected places! Don’t be afraid to ask for help, advice, or extra information. Asking for help is not a sign of failure.

Knowing who to go to for help or support is considered a great advantage for problem-solving skills!

If you’re on your own, just follow these simple steps to solve a problem:

- Clearly define the problem (“I have way too much homework this week!”)
- Brainstorm to find possible solutions (“organise my tasks”, “work with friends”)
- Evaluate each idea, putting an X next to those that aren’t possible, a question mark next to the ones that are difficult to do, and a Y next to the steps you could take right now.
- Set specific dates by which you’ll complete your Y ideas.
- Revisit your question marks once you’ve completed the Ys. Are some of the question marks now possible?
- Finally, go back to the Xs – are they really impossible?

5. Use stress to learn and grow

Sometimes stress is very difficult to control or rationalise, and you’ll feel like there’s nothing you can do about it!

That’s OK, everyone deals with such emotions, even adults! Even people who seem to have everything under control in their life are stressed about something or other.

The difference is that they use this stress to find out more about themselves and they then use these lessons to grow their confidence.

Once you know which situations or events make you worry and which ones are not that much of a challenge for you, you’ll be able to apply your skills to almost any scenario.

Also, remember that failing at something from time to time is not a disaster and it does not make you a bad person! Learning from mistakes is what we call “experience”, and everyone you know has gone through it!

6. Be inspired!

Life without challenges and without mysteries would be quite boring wouldn’t it? What fun would it be to already know everything in advance?

Don’t be afraid of the unexpected! Embrace the fact that everything in life is possible and that it’s up to you to get the most out of it.

Of course that doesn’t mean you should be disorganised and just let things happen to you! It just means that if you’re prepared and positive, it’s more likely that nothing or nobody can get you down!

Remember to cultivate and share your sense of humour. Laughing at stress can relieve you and make you feel better any place, any moment.

Stress is a part of life; just like doubt and uncertainty go hand in hand with trying new and challenging things. Try as we might, stress is something that cannot be avoided.

But the way we react to stressful situations CAN and SHOULD be tamed!

Why not share this article with a friend of yours who may be feeling overwhelmed?

It can slowly creep up on you or hit you all at once, triggered by stressful moments in life or by an unexpected event. That feeling of worthlessness, guilt, and sadness that can cast a cloud over everything you think, feel, and do. Depression.

What is depression?

Many adults might chalk up depression to so-called “teenage angst”, that confusing mix of feelings that comes with puberty, insecurity, and awkwardness. So, their advice might be “get over it!”, or “don’t worry, it’s just a phase!”

Of course they mean well, but sometimes they just don’t seem to get it, do they?

Some teenagers might even think that feeling blue comes from some sort of flaw within themselves, something that they can’t explain but that they just need to figure out on their own.

But the truth is, depression is an illness, not a personality trait, and it can be treated.

How do I know if I’m depressed?

But first, you should be sure that you are, in fact, depressed. Everyone experiences sadness or doubt at some point, even people who seem to have everything under control. But clinical depression, as in a medically-diagnosed condition, is usually something that lasts much longer.

Here are some common symptoms:

- Social withdrawal and loss of interest in pleasurable activities, e.g. withdrawing from family and other social activities
- Poor sleep or increased sleep patterns
- Loss of appetite or increased appetite
- Feelings of guilt and sense of hopelessness
- Poor concentration at school
If these feelings grow over time, they should not be ignored. And if they turn to thoughts of suicide, seek help immediately.

How to reach out

Reaching out can seem like a huge challenge, especially for someone who is depressed. You might fear your friends and family won’t understand what you are feeling and how serious the problem is, or that they will think less of you for not being able to handle these problems by yourself.

But once you realize no one will think any less of you, that no one thinks depression is a weakness, then it’ll be really easy to discuss things with someone you trust.

Just remember that no matter what anyone says, having depression doesn’t mean you’re a weak or bad person – it’s an illness preventing you from being who you really are.

The good news is that there are many ways to get help.

A lot has been learned about depression in the last decade, and there are plenty of resources that explain what depression is and how it affects us. The Health Promotion Board’s article on depression is a good place to start. There’s a good chance your friends, teachers, parents and doctor know more about this illness than you might think! But if you want their help, you will need to take a leap of faith by letting them know what’s going on.

Not everyone has a strong support network that they can trust, and not everyone is ready to talk about depression face to face with people they know, and that is FINE. Instead, try speaking with someone anonymously by taking advantage of the resources available in Singapore, likewww.audiblehearts.sg and www.youthinmind.sg/CHAT. These people know their stuff when it comes to depression, and any conversation you have with them is free and confidential. It’s a great way to break the ice and to build up your confidence in discussing depression with others.

The Internet itself is also one resource for learning more about depression, with tons of social networks, online forums, and web resources devoted to helping people struggling with depression. Right here at Breathe.sg is a great place to start to find a site where you or anyone you know suffering from depression can get help. Do remember that it is important to seek professional help.

You don’t need to suffer

Being a teen is tough. Adolescence is one of the most vulnerable periods of our lives, when it can feel like the world is bombarding you with responsibilities, messages, expectations, influences and incredible pressure to be a certain kind of person who thinks a certain kind of way.

When depression hits, all of those feelings are magnified and can seem overwhelming . But in that moment when nothing seems to make sense anymore, remember that is also the moment when you need to make yourself heard.

By communicating with others, face-to-face, on the phone, or online, you are taking a huge first step toward recovery. No one, not even the world, can take that away from you. To fully overcome depression may take months or even years, but once you start you’ll become closer with your friends and family, you’ll enjoy your hobbies and activities more, and you’ll be ready to realise your full potential.

So get on out there, connect with your support network and start making a difference in your life today!